Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
