i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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