Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
