all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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