Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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