It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
