my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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