There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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