angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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