well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
