dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
