i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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