everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
