the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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