i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
