when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
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sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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