I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
