I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
this hospital has no fireball
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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