i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
