Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Who died my cat blue again?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
