remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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