Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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