1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
