when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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