Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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