Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
