i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
