Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
