Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
