I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
