The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
