the condom got lost in my hair
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
