I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
