Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
