Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
farters have to be the big spoon...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
