My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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