i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
