i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
