I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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