Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
