I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
