He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
