3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
