Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I need moral support for this bender
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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