Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.