It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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