He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
