If that was your dad, he is hot
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
