I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
