Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
