so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
