a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
