I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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