i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
