Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
